Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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