This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
