If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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