Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
