even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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