My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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