u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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