I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
