i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I met the friendliest cop last night
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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