He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
