beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
