At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
