First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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