i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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