Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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