I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
