I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
