I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
