Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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