The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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