i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
