the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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