there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
