i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
