Yo dont text me then not text me
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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