you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Randomize
