I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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