Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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