I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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