I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
