just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
and you fell through a lawn chair
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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