I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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