the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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