So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
