we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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