I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
