I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
