Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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