if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
