It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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