She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
