Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
