Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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