the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
worst night to have a conscience
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
