I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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