Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
