I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
