hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
cat food counts as protein by the way
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
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