I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
