If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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