Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
