youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
