She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
