You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize