Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
