I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize