I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
