Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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